


Final Fantasy XV: The Fuckening

by ohmyfae



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Bad Acting, M/M, Multi, Orgies, Porn parody AU, really awful sex, the gentle honking of Ardyn's saxophone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 16:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14109075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyfae/pseuds/ohmyfae
Summary: The bros watch an incredibly bad porn parody of their journey so far. Noctis may never recover.





	Final Fantasy XV: The Fuckening

**Author's Note:**

> The kinkmeme prompt asked for a terrible porn parody of the game. I can only hope that I have delivered. I'm sorry.

The film opens on a dusty road baking in the heat of a desert spring. There are four men lounging in tight-fitting leather by a broken-down car, but the cameraman seems temporarily uninterested, and keeps veering the camera off to the side to survey the wild sage growing in the dust, the distant mountains, the high walls of a nearby city. A boom mike drops into frame, and the camera focuses with a jerk on one of the larger men, who sticks a leg out into the street and tries to roll up his pants.

"Think we can forget about hitching our way there," he says, when the same prop car drives past them for the fifth time. "Thought people were friendly outside the crown city."

"You can only go so far on the kindness of strangers," says the man in the driver's seat. He's the star that the director shelled most of her funds to land, Ignis "The Fireman" Scientia, who until this point has made a name for himself as Vlad, the seductive fireman of Hot Under the Collar fame. In leather and leopard print, he's probably wearing more clothes than he's ever worn in his professional life.

"Just gonna have to push her all the way." Gladio, played by the resident beefcake of the flick, stretches his shoulders. He's shirtless, of course, and his peel-on tattoos are thankfully holding up despite the sweat that trickles down his back. He winks at Ignis, who shifts in his seat, and walks around the side of the car where "Prince Noctis" and "Prompto Argentum" are.

The guy playing the prince is an unknown. He has a few amateur videos where his specialty is getting pounded by bears and leather daddies, but they're poorly filmed and mostly consist of him panting and moaning directly into the camera. Prompto is almost as famous as Ignis, and the two of them have even worked together before, on Twinks and Twunks: Comeshot Edition Part VII. 

"I've already pushed myself," Prompto says, swooning dramatically, "to the brink of death."

"Bet I could push you more," Gladio says.

"Ooh, make me, big guy."

"We can't do this, guys," Noct says. He gets up with a creak of straining leather. He glances to the side, where the director is frantically mouthing his lines off-frame. "We are. On a royal mission. To get me married. We can't fuck our way there."

"Lighten up, your highness," Prompto says, as he props himself up on the back of the car. He turns around, bracing his hands on the trunk and sticking out his small, pert ass. Gladio slaps it, and the force of his hand sends Prompto rocking into the car.

"Oh, daddy," Prompto moans.

"I can't believe you're doing this," Noctis says, as Gladio unzips his massive, thick cock from his pants. Prompto's pants are shoved down just under the swell of his ass, and his lips part in a lewd, shivery gasp. His fingers clench on the polished surface of the car, and Gladio grabs his ass with both hands.

"Time to push," he says, and lines his cock up to Prompto's already prepped hole. Prompto cries out, dropping his head as Gladio sheathes himself to the hilt, and slaps a hand on the car. Gladio rocks into him, and the car jerks and shakes as Prompto is pushed forward with each thrust.

"Your highness." Ignis opens the driver's side door. The camera man runs around the side, trying not to jostle the frame too much, as Noct walks over to Ignis. He drapes himself over the door, his own ass out, as Prompto's groans increase in pitch.

"Oh god," Prompto cries. "Yes! Yes, fuck me, fuck my tight little hole."

"Are you worried about your impending wedding?" Ignis asks, as Gladio slaps Prompto's ass in time with his thrusts. Ignis positions himself in such a way that the bulge in his pants is evident, and Noct licks his lips.

"Maybe," Noct says. It isn't the right line, but no one's here for the acting.

Ignis takes off his glasses and tries for a smoldering look. "Then let me... distract you," he says. 

Prince Noctis strips down to his ankles so fast that it might as well be a cut to a new scene. He straddles Ignis' waist, and Ignis' hands go to his hips, guiding him as he grinds down.

"You're so hot," Noct says. 

"I try my best," Ignis says, and with a little work, they manage to free his cock and line it up. Noctis sinks down on it with a whine, and holds the back of Ignis' seat as Gladio hammers Prompto flush against the trunk behind them.

The camera slowly pulls away as Ignis begins to thrust up into Noct's willing body, the two of them moaning and gasping as Prompto and Gladio pick up speed behind them. Prompto's face is mashed to the surface of the car, his freckled ass bouncing and pink, lifting himself on his toes as Gladio pounds into him. A faint piano begins to play, and the title of the flick fades onto the screen in white, blocky letters:

Final Fantasy XV: The Fuckening.

*

"Howdy, y'all!"

Cindy is the first woman to show up in the film, which means that the camera spends a solid minute panning up her body, lingering on her thigh-high stockings and almost unsettlingly large breasts. She's wearing a bikini top under her open jacket, which makes about as much sense as a bunch of men wearing leather in a desert. She bends over, pretending to stare at the car.

"Gosh shucks," she says, in a horrifying attempt at a southern drawl. "Ain't y'all done kilt that there car somethin' awful I tell you what."

There's a short silence. When the camera shoots back to her, her jacket is inexplicably missing.

"Y'all," she adds, just in case.

"Uh, yeah, our car broke down," Noct says. How much'll it cost us?"

"That there the prince's darn car boy howdy?" The sound editor clearly tried to cut out the sound of the director's groan of horror, but it's still there, a testament to her dwindling patience as the guy playing Cid, an older actor with a map of wrinkles and a cock hung like a horse, shuffles out in an attempt to look thirty years older than he is. "Y'all wrecked this dag darned car up to hell, I tell you what."

"That's what I said, Pawpaw," Cindy says. One of her stockings is gone, and her shorts are unzipped. She bounces on her toes. Her tits bounce with her. "Whaddaya think these here boys can do to make it up to us?"

"I might have a problem they can fix," Cid says, hooking his hands in his belt.

"Or," Cindy says, stepping forward and lowering her voice, "y'all can see to them lousy varmints what are wreckin our poor Dave's ass in that shack in the hills."

"The fuck shack?" Cid asks.

Cindy nods. Somewhere between cuts, her bikini top has vanished into the ether. "The fuck shack."

She leans back. It's uncertain if there should have been a scene to introduce the naked woman currently kneeling between her legs, fingering herself while she mouths at Cindy's cunt, but the guys don't even blink. She moans, digging her fingers in the woman's light blond hair, and bucks her hips forward a little. The woman makes a humming sound, and the camera closes in on them, focusing on the blonde woman as she swirls her tongue over Cindy's clit.

"Y'all--y-y'all better hurry," Cindy says. There's another woman holding her from behind now, massaging her breasts. "Don't think Dave can last much longer."

"Yeah, sure," Noct says. Cindy and the three women surrounding her get back to it.

The camera cuts abruptly. The next scene lands the guys in front of an old, unpainted shack in the middle of nowhere. Groans and cries of pleasure can be heard from behind the door, but when it opens, all they see is Dave, shirtless in tight jeans that highlight the line of his cock. He leans on the door and looks Noctis up and down. In the background, a saxophone starts to play.

Noctis turns around.

"Yes," he says, in a dull, inflectionless tone. "We found Dave."

"Thank god," Ignis says.

"Dave," says Prompto.

"Good old Dave," Gladio says.

Then they're back at the garage.

"We found Dave," Noctis tells Cindy, who is, at that moment, stark naked. 

"Y'all are good boys," Cindy says.

The scene changes to the four of them standing on the boardwalk of Galdin Quay. There's no explanation for this. They're just there, walking along the dock to the inn, hands casually groping each other's asses as they go, squeezing taut buttocks with a squeak of leather.

When Ardyn shows up, sauntering onto frame with his hips swaying obscenely, the saxophone starts up again with a vengeance.

"You come here for the ships?" he says. "I'm afraid they've all..." he cocks his hip to the side. "Been boarded."

"The hell are you," Gladio says, and doesn't quite move fast enough to catch the coin Ardyn flips their way. The coin hits Noctis square in the forehead, and Ardyn's actor winces before the camera can cut away.

"A man of..." he flips his hair. "No consequence."

The saxophone brays as he walks off.

"Huh," Prompto says.

They reach the dock only to find that Ardyn is right; The ships are gone, leaving only a man with yet another painfully bad accent behind. The man offers to give them free tickets on the next boat out if they can do him a favor.

"I hear that the prince o' Lucis got a good cocksuckin' mouth on im," he says. "Youse guys wanna give me a show to prove it?"

This, at last, is where Noctis' actor gets his chance to shine. He drops to his knees on the dock, facing his suddenly naked friends, who are all languidly pumping their cocks in his direction. He goes for Gladio first, whose cock is thick enough to strain his lips when he swallows him down, and Noct rolls his eyes a little as he starts to bob his head, making slow, exaggerated movements. His throat relaxes enough for Gladio's cock to push all the way in, and he holds himself there, nose pressed to the curly hair at the base, spit and pre sliding down his chin. Gladio pulls back an inch and thrusts back in, and Noct gags around him.

Ignis' cock slides along Noct's cheek as he works Gladio to completion, his pace frantic as Gladio starts to pant and grunt above him. When he comes, he comes over Noct's bare chest, and Noct shuffles on his knees to wrap his swollen lips around Ignis' shaft.

Prompto is last, and for good reason. Noctis lies out on a bench, suddenly empty now that the extra with the bad accent has mysteriously disappeared, and tilts his head over the side so Prompto can fuck his mouth. Prompto works him fast, gripping his head as he slams into him, balls swinging, the come from Ignis' turn making Noct's mouth sloppy and loose.

"Yeah," Prompto hisses. "Yeah, take it. Bet you love being a fuckhole for a commoner's cock, don't you, your highness? Nngh, fuck." 

Noctis moans around Prompto's cock in reply, and Prompto pounds into him a few more times before coming down his throat with a hoarse shout. He steps back, and Noctis opens his mouth, his face a mess, eyes hazy.

"What do you guys think?" Ignis asks, as Noctis pants for breath. "Care for a spot of fishing before bed?"

The scene cuts away abruptly, followed by a brief flash of an ad for erectile dysfunction medication. The next scene opens on a severe close-up of Ignis' face, screwed up in an expression of misery.

"Noctis," Ignis says. He stands in the center of the shot, his thick glasses slipping down his nose. "Your father died. Insomnia has fallen."

"No." Noctis falls to the ground, fists raised in the air. Someone off camera holds a garden hose overhead, and fake rain pours down his face, dislodging his wig. "No!"

The screen fades to black, and an image of King Regis floats into view. A soft guitar strums in the background, and the words "In Memoriam" appear over his face as a woman starts to sing "In the Arms of the Angels" in a high falsetto.

_"What the fuck, Prompto," Noct hisses, pausing the video on his phone. He looks at his friend in the darkness of the tent, brows furrowed, mouth pinched in a grim line. "Seriously. What the fuck."_

_"Look, let's skip ahead," Prompto says, and scrolls his finger along the video bar. "Wait til you see what they think our meeting with Ardyn was like."_

_"Prom, I don't wanna know."_

_"Trust me, dude. You do."_

The four men stand on what looks like a parking lot, surrounded by flimsy set-pieces made to resemble the Meteor. Behind them, a man dressed as the Titan clenches his fists and heaves foam stones in the air. Every now and then, the camera shakes, and someone flaps a metal sheet to mimic the sound of an earthquake. 

Ardyn flips his hair. The saxophone brays seductively.

"Allow me to assist you," he says. 

The four men look at each other.

"Sure," says Gladio. "You seem trustworthy."

In the next shot, Noctis is suddenly naked. No one comments on this. They walk up a shaky ramp to Ardyn's ship, which is actually a bedroom on a set somewhere, and Ardyn whips around, hair flying in his face, jacket falling open to reveal his chiseled abs and long, curved cock.

"Astrals," Ignis says. "I'll take him first, Noctis. We can't put you at risk."

"You're the best friend I could ever have," Noct says, holding Ignis' hands tight. Tears stand out in their eyes. Soft guitar music plays again, superimposed over the gentle honking of Ardyn's saxophone. 

It's the most chaotic sex scene in the studio's history. No one is in the same position from shot to shot; Sometimes Gladio is on his knees, getting his face fucked by Ignis. Sometimes he's lining up to take Ardyn from behind. At one point, Noctis is tied to the bed for all of thirty seconds before he ends up on the other side of the room, unbound and pawing at Prompto. It's hard to keep track of whose limbs belong to whom, Gladio's tattoo is finally starting to peel off, and Ardyn's wig, which is attached to his hat, is starting to slide down the back of his head. 

"Wow," Prompto says. "That's gotta be the biggest cock I've ever taken."

"The empire," Ardyn says, striking a pose, "has many fine endowments."

The video skims ahead again. Now Gladio is braced against a stone wall, naked, getting his ass brutally pounded by a man wearing a sweatervest.

"You really are..." he pants, "Cor... the Immortal... You just... keep going..."

"And I always pull out before it's over," Cor says, looking directly at the camera. He comes over Gladio's back, and Gladio slumps against the wall, spent. Cor turns and walks off frame.

_"Oh my gods."_

_"Wait for it, Noct. Wait for it."_

Lunafreya appears at the end of the film, accompanied by her own dance number. She's wearing white bondage gear, with silver nipple clamps shaped like stars, and she descends from a giant glittering bubble that took up half the film budget.

"The Crystal wants you!" she sings. Her backup dancers, dressed like various half naked astrals, shout "you!" in chorus, and the four men standing before her applaud politely.

"Luna," Noct says. "At last. It's been so long."

"On your knees when you speak to me," Luna says.

All four of them drop obediently. She places a high-heeled foot on Noctis' shoulder and addresses the camera.

"It's time for the king of light to receive the blessing of the Crystal," she says. "But for that to happen, the Crystal demands a sacrifice. We must give up..."

The astrals screech behind her. "The Oracle's virginity!"

_"Nope."_

_The phone disappears into the dark corner of the tent, where all of a week's worth of laundry has merged into a horrifying pile. Prompto scrambles for it, but Noct just leans back, crossing his arms._

_"Dude!" Prompto digs for his phone. "We were almost at the part where you started singing."_

_"No, we weren't," Noct says. "Because we aren't going there. We're never going there. We shouldn't have even... I saw Cor's dick, Prompto."_

_"It wasn't actually Cor, though."_

_"I'm going to lie down," Noct says, summoning a blanket from his armiger, "and try to erase the last hour from my brain."_

_"Come on. You gotta admit the Ardyn scene was good."_

_"All goodness has left the world, Prompto," Noct says._

_Prompto pats Noct on the shoulder, and Noct groans into his hands._

_"You're the one who wanted to know where all those memes came from," Prompto reminds him._

_"I never should've asked," Noct says._

_But even so, when they do meet Ardyn again a few weeks later, and Prompto looks at Noct, grins, and makes a bad impression of a saxophone, Noct laughs so hard he has to collapse in the middle of a swamp just to catch his breath._

_So that's alright._

**Author's Note:**

> (I'm not sorry)


End file.
